


How to tame a Hulk

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Ballett, Boxing, Bruce Banner-centric, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, Meditation, and a space vacation, and green oversized polar bears, veganism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 09:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8397097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It's not as if Bruce Banner hadn't spent decades trying to control the Hulk. His fellow avengers certainly mean well with their suggestions - and so he finds himself trying out various things from dietary changes to ballet and yoga.





	

###  #1 Meditation  


“Don’t concentrate,” the instructor says in his smooth, calming voice, “focus.”

Around Bruce men and women simultaneously inhale deeply and straighten their backs as they search for the ever-elusive center. Bruce attempts to do the same, though in truth he finds the lotus position not very comfortable. His right foot is starting to fall asleep and the hard ground digs uncomfortably into his arse through the thin gym mat. Thin bamboo mats make more sense when placed on soft earth or grass - not on the tiled floors in uptown NYC. 

“Focus,” the instructor repeats. “Let go of all conscious thoughts. Set concerns aside. Allow yourself to drift. Feel as you approach your center.”

Bruce takes another deep breath. Whose brilliant idea had this been again?  Oh yes, Sam had enthusiastically talked about his latest meditation class and how it helped him to focus, and then turned to look at him and asked if he’d tried it. 

It had been on the top of Bruce’s lip to reply that no, during all the time he’d spent in India, Nepal, and China, he’d never thought about or attempted meditation. 

But then Tony had picked up the idea, and Bruce had known better than to protest. Which led to this - him sitting in a very fashionable yoga study somewhere on the upper east side among a number of well-off twenty to forty somethings, all trying to find their center. 

“Focus on your center,” the instructor says again, “find what lies there.”

Bruce wants to sigh. But since he’s somewhat fond of Tony and Sam and everybody else he resigns to at least give it one more try. Maybe the hip instructor in Manhatten will accomplish what twenty-and-some masters, gurus, lamas, and shamans failed to achieve. 

Maybe this will allow him to get a handle on the Hulk. 

He allows his thoughts to slip away. Evens out his breathing (sure, the meditation lessons in Asia hadn’t succeeded in taming the Hulk, but he knows how to meditate), lets his muscles to slacken. 

Lets his mind drift.

“Focus in your center,” the instructor hums. 

Yeah, there would be said center. 

It’s quite angry. 

But then that’s not a surprise. After all, didn’t he tell Cap? He’s always angry. 

“Float in your center,” the instructor sing-songs, and instead Bruce feels his skin beginning to crawl. 

Abort! Abort!

His eyes fly open, he surges to his feet, and with a quick excuse about feeling unwell runs from the room. 

He misses the pitying looks cast after him.

“Poor dear,” and older lady says, “he looked rather green.”

 

###  #2 Workout

“You are aware what happens when I get into a fight?” Bruce asks. He can feel a vein in his forehead throbbing. Not even two weeks have passed since said ill-fated meditation session where NYC escaped major destruction on a hair’s breadth. Yet here is Steve Rogers with another good-intentioned suggestions.

Alright, maybe he is being uncharitable. Steve is a great man, and he only means well. 

“We should try it,” Steve says with an encouraging smile, “I’m certain Tony can make sure it’s safe.”

Who can say no to Captain America, really? Not Bruce, anyway.

Which is why he and Steve are drone choppered into a boxing arena somewhere in northern Greenland, about as far from civilization as they can get. Bruce still doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but Steve looks excited. 

Well, at least Tony’s army of bots is on standby, too, Bruce reassures himself as he puts on the gloves and the protective gear. And shivers, because northern Greenland is rather cold (which the Hulk may be impervious, too, even though Bruce suspects that there is some reason to the Hulk’s preference for warm and sunny places).

Then he gets into the ring.

And the first rounds work surprisingly well. He can dodge and punch and work up a sweat without the Hulk wanting to break out. Steve is a fair opponent - fighting him is almost fun, and Bruce feels a rare smile steal over his face. 

Maybe it’s working -

That’s when Steve catches him off guard. Lands a good, strong blow on Bruce’s solar plexus.   


Bruce goes down. He barely registers that it hurt.

Then the Hulk rises. 

Needless to say, Steve quickly evacuates while the Hulk destroys nearly thirty drones and nearly fights an icebear as well. Bruce eventually comes to on another chopper, this time with Tony smirking down at him. 

“I told you it wouldn’t work,” Bruce grumbles. 

Tony shrugs unperturbed. “Always worth a try.”

 

###  #3 Veganism

The next suggestion originates from a newspaper editorial that Tony gleefully has Jarvis read out loud. The aspiring writer wonders if the Hulk’s green color and unfettered rage are a representation of earth’s anger at her treatment at the hands of humans. The writer’s follow-up suggestions included not only renewable energy, but also a passionate screed for veganism. 

“Have you tried that?” Clint inquires mirthfully. 

Bruce shrugs. “I’ve been vegetarian. Meat’s not always easily available everywhere.” 

“Oh, but there’s more to this!” Tony interrupts cheerfully, “Jarvis, sum up what said author actually wants!”

“Very well, sir,” the AI’s voice replies. “The author has a specific view of veganism as a form of conscious eating. Aside from not eating meat and any animal-based products, the writer’s idea of veganism also includes avoiding toxins, artificial flavors, as well as any sort of chemicals.”

Bruce is very, very unimpressed. 

Tony laughs. “Let’s not question it,” he suggests cheerfully. “Jarvis, can you arrange a shopping list according to these criteria?”

Jarvis’ voice oozes skepticism. “Due to the scientific inaccuracies in the underlying assumptions, I am afraid I cannot construct a reliably accurate list.”

“It needn’t be accurate,” Tony replies. “Approximate.”

And thus begins a long and painful two weeks of a “vegan” diet. 

By day ten Bruce is glad when a villain appears. the Hulk has been itching to break out to the point that he asked Jarvis to hide all smoothies from his sight. 

The fight goes as they usually go; Bruce wakes up covered in a blanket. At least the city appears mainly intact, most people have returned to their everyday business, and his colleagues also have all limbs attached. 

But when Bruce stands up to join them in the waiting chopper, he very abruptly feels dizzy.

And the next moment a very confused Hulk stands in his place. 

“Hulk hungry.”

 

###  #4 Getting laid (& a holiday)

He’s not certain why, but “finding the solution to Bruce’s green problem” seems to have become some sort of popular competition. To the point that Bruce nearly wishes for some supervillain to surface in order to give everybody something else to focus on. 

“Sex,” Clint flatly says. “When was the last time you got laid anyway?”

Bruce sputters. “That’s …” None of Clint’s damned business, but most of all “far too dangerous! Think about what could happen!”

Tony, bless his soul, turns a little green around the edges. Natasha continues to stare at him frighteningly unperturbed, and Clint shrugs. “Then find a safer option. It’s not as if there aren’t possibilities - not everybody likes being penetrated, but that’s an option that comes to mind. Oral, though is probably out for the same reason as vaginal sex is, however, the armpit is also a good alternative. Or so I heard.”

Natasha nods. 

“... that does not really make it any safer,” Bruce says. 

Clint tilts his head thoughtfully. “The Hulk isn’t receptive to sexual stimulation?”

“Not as far as we could determine,” Tony helpfully chimes in from the side. 

Clint visibly swallows down any and all questions as to  _ how do you know? Did you experiment?! _

And Bruce decides to shut this discussion down before it can spawn further into madness. “Sexual stimulation has been discussed,” he explains, “but due to the ethical concerns I will not be conducting any experiments of sexual nature within the space of earth.”

Clint’s mouth forms a mall ‘o’. Tony grins, and Natasha turns a slow smirk onto him. “Space, eh? What’s Thor been up to lately, anyway?”

Thus, Thor is contacted. And cheerfully agrees to the plan presented, while Bruce wonders how a god of thunder can have such a sunny temperament. But then, what does he know about gods? Or parallel universes?

(Potentially, he will know a lot more within the foreseeable future).

“Take a lot of notes,” Tony tells him at the inofficial send-off party for Bruce and Thor’s road trip through space. “This is an unprecedented research opportunity.”

Bruce wants to reply something about Iron Man flying a nuke through a wormhole, but upon remembering what he knows about Tony’s coping mechanisms (denial, denial, research, party, denial) decides to shut up. And Thor appears rather confident that space isn’t the frightening vast black emptiness Tony once described. 

“Take pictures,” Steve suggests. 

“Get laid,” Clint suggests, wriggling his eyebrows. And Bruce wonder again just when he started considering these people more than colleagues. 

Sam claps his shoulder. “Just have fun, big guy. Enjoy not having to worry about the green man for once.”

Yes. That’s why. Sometimes they can be surprisingly decent people. 

* * *

Bruce returns four months later. Which he only knows because it had been in the middle of summer when he left, and now there’s frost on the cars. He hopes it’s still the same year. But the car models do suggest it’s at least the same decade. 

He doesn’t recall how much time he spent in space. He doesn’t really recall anything at all.

Thor, however, does. 

“....and then the Hulk was declared a honorary god of Asgard and seven other planets!” the god of thunder enthusiastically reports to the rest of the Avengers. “Even the Ice Giants seemed to like him. Or at least they were impressed by how easily he smashed through all that ice.”

Bruce listens in equal fascination. 

“... and I think the four-armed inhabitants of Ulma Minor all developed a crush on the Hulk here. And then we came to the tentacle planet and ...”

“So he got laid?”

And mortification. 

 

###  #5 Ballet

“Ballet?” Bruce echoes and glances in question at Natasha who shrugs. 

“Why not?” Tony asks. “It requires physical exercise, though is not as violent as boxing, and requires a degree focus comparable to meditation. Though without all that allowing your thoughts to drift stuff.”

Well, who is Bruce to disagree? He’s already survived a road trip through space without catching any alien STDs. 

Tony gets a private instructor, and Natasha comes to watch and give pointers. It works surprisingly well - Bruce initially isn’t the most comfortable in the skin-tight leggins and a leotard, but after having woken up with his pants shredded so often, he has no particular trouble with letting go of any socially constructed ideas of dignity. 

He’s not hugely talented at ballet either. But progresses well enough, and before he knows it he’s spent three month taking ballet class four times a week. 

Which is when a supervillain emerges. 

Or well. It’s a giant green icebear. Accompanied by many smaller green icebears. Steve looks slightly mortified. 

“Could this be …”

“Official records state Doctor Banner never visited northern Greenland,” Tony interrupts. 

“And I think this looks more like a Canadian icebear, anyway,” Natasha adds. 

Bruce makes a short mental note to investigate the effects of his blood or sweat on certain animals, but then one of the icebears roars at him. The Hulk enthusiastically roars back.

The battle goes well enough - they minimize the loss of lives, though the city once more sustains collateral damage. With a blanket wrapped around his shoulders to cover his ripped clothes, Bruce wonders if the insurance companies still offer coverage for downtown anyway. And then he wonders why with all the rebuilding the architecture changes so rarely. 

His eyes wander over a nearby tv playing a recording from a news helicopter. On the ground the Hulk is fighting green oversized icebears - and while the green monster certainly is heavy and deals great damages, his moves are much smoother than they used to be. 

The Hulk’s posture has also become surprisingly good. 

And then the Hulk pirouettes in the middle of the fight and Bruce feels like groaning. Trust the big green guy to like ballet. 

Thus, while not effectively helping him with control, it does give the Hulk improved flexibility and movement. Which, since it makes several people high up in the military quite unhappy as Tony gleefully reports, results Bruce resolving to keep up with the Ballet lessons. 

* * *

### 

The situation in Zarkovia puts the project “help Bruce control Hulk” on the backburner for a bit. Instead, in the aftermath the new pet project becomes “help Scarlett Witch control her powers”, and Bruce has to stop himself from laughing when Sam suggests meditation, and Steve brings up physical exercise, and Clint opens his mouth and the shuts it again.


End file.
